II. Better Feared than Loved? Commanding Respect vs. Courting Approval![]()
Introduction – The Dilemma of Fear and Love: Is it better to be loved or feared? This question, perennial and piercing, confronts anyone in a position of authority or leadership – be it a manager with subordinates, a teacher with students, a parent with children, or simply an individual among peers seeking respect. In an ideal world, one would be both beloved and respected, adored and obeyed in equal measure. Yet human nature, flawed as it is, rarely grants such perfection. Thus, wrote I, Niccolò Machiavelli, “one should wish to be both, but, because it is difficult to unite them in one person, it is much safer to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both”etc.usf.eduetc.usf.edu. This dictum, often misunderstood as a tyrant’s creed, is truly about maintaining authority and respect. For modern readers, the import is this: When striving for influence or leadership, prioritize respect over affection. Popularity is fickle, but respect endures. However – and this is crucial – fear must never turn into hatred. The goal is a calibrated command of respect that might include a healthy dose of awe, but not animosity. Let us explore how this principle, tempered by humanity, can empower you in contemporary life.
Machiavelli’s Argument – Why Fear Edges Love: In The Prince, I candidly assessed human nature: people are “ungrateful, fickle, false, cowardly, covetous” and will promise you the world when danger is far off, but turn against you when danger is at handetc.usf.eduetc.usf.edu. Harsh words, perhaps, but five hundred years of additional history have unfortunately provided ample confirmation of this aspect of humanity. When I advise that it is safer to be feared than loved, I mean that reliance on love alone—on people’s affection or goodwill—is a fragile foundation. Love is held by a bond of obligation which people break when it suits their advantage, but fear is bound by the threat of punishment which never loses its forceetc.usf.edu. In simpler terms: someone who only likes you will support you only so long as it’s convenient, but someone who respects (even somewhat fears) you will hesitate to cross you even when tempted, because they anticipate consequences.
Consider this truth in an everyday context: the “nice” supervisor who wants to be friends with everyone may find, one day, that her team takes advantage of her leniency, misses deadlines, and ignores her directives—because they feel no fear of disappointing or defying her. They know she’ll forgive anything in her desire to be liked. On the other hand, a supervisor who from the start sets firm expectations, enforces rules fairly but strictly, and does not bend whenever asked, gains a reputation: she must be taken seriously. Her team might not gush about how fun or chummy she is, but they will meet deadlines and follow her directives, because they know slacking has consequences. They respect her, perhaps even with a slight edge of fear of her disapproval or disciplinary action. Yet importantly, if she manages it well, they will not hate her because she remains fair and consistent. Over time, they may even come to genuinely appreciate her leadership, finding security and pride in meeting high standards.
“Fear” vs. Hatred – The Vital Distinction: I emphasized that a ruler (or by extension any leader) “ought to inspire fear in such a way that, if he does not win love, he avoids hatred”etc.usf.edu. Here lies a subtle art: the cultivation of fear without crossing into cruelty or capriciousness that breeds hatred. Fear, as I mean it, is closer to deep respect mingled with caution. It is the kind of fear a well-behaved student has toward a strict but fair teacher – a knowledge that misbehavior will bring reprimand, and thus an avoidance of misbehavior, yet not a personal hatred of the teacher. Hatred arises when a leader is perceived as unjust, taking from people what is rightfully theirs or inflicting pain wantonly. I warned princes never to touch the property or women of their subjects, for “men more quickly forget the death of their father than the loss of their patrimony”etc.usf.edu. In a modern setting, this means: do not arbitrarily take away people’s earned benefits, humiliate them, or act in self-interest at their expense. If you must be strict or punitive, do so for the good of the group or the mission, and with clear reason. People can accept strictness – even welcome it – if they believe it is just and serves a purpose. They will resent and hate cruelty that seems to serve only the leader’s ego or whims.
Thus, to translate my Renaissance advice to today: be firm, not cruel; be respected, not despised. For example, a project leader might enforce long hours as a deadline nears (inspiring a bit of fear and urgency), but she does so after working equally long hours herself and praising the team’s efforts – and perhaps rewards them afterward. The team might grumble in the moment, but they won’t hate her because they see the necessity and her shared sacrifice. Conversely, a manager who berates an employee publicly for a minor mistake – belittling them to flaunt authority – will breed quiet hatred, even if that employee outwardly nods in fear. The difference lies in dignity and fairness. Never strip your subordinates or colleagues of their dignity without absolute necessity. Rarely is it truly necessary. Far better to maintain an aura of controlled sternness: people should feel that disappointing you has consequences (even if only your strong disapproval), but they should not feel that you will lash out irrationally or sadistically.
Case Study – Steve Jobs and Respectful Fear: Consider Steve Jobs, co-founder of Apple. Jobs was known for his volatile temper and relentless drive for perfection; many who worked with him recount how intimidating it could be to be on the receiving end of his critique. He created an atmosphere of what one might call “respectful fear.” Engineers would rehearse their presentations to him dozens of times, knowing that if they didn’t have answers ready or if the product wasn’t up to par, Jobs would mercilessly call it “bozo” work or tear it down. They feared that moment of intense scrutiny. But – and this is crucial – Jobs channeled this fear toward excellence. He wasn’t humiliating people for sport; he passionately wanted great products. Employees, though nervous, also deeply respected his vision and even loved what they were able to accomplish under his demanding leadership. Notice: many who disliked Jobs’s methods still stayed and labored to please him because they believed in his mission and feared letting him down. He rarely (in his later years) crossed into arbitrary cruelty – if he yelled, it was usually about work quality, not personal insults. As a result, Apple produced innovations under his reign that arguably would not have emerged under a gentler, more permissive leader. This exemplifies Machiavelli’s principle: if you cannot be both loved and feared, ensure you are respected, and a touch of fear often cements that respect. Jobs was not universally adored in personality, but he was revered for his standards. Importantly, when he did go too far and risk engendering hatred, he sometimes made amends (there are stories of him later apologizing privately for harsh outbursts). He intuitively understood the line between fear and hatred.
Counter-Example – The Fall of the “Nice Guy” Leader: Consider a counter-example: a newly promoted team leader who desperately wants to be liked. He avoids giving critical feedback, softens every directive with humor, maybe even does some of his subordinates’ tasks for them to avoid imposing. At first, everyone is pleased – “what a nice boss!” But soon, deadlines slip. Team members realize there’s no consequence for slacking; the boss will pick up the slack or won’t call them out. The team’s performance declines. Upper management loses respect for the leader (who can’t keep his team in order). When eventually he tries to tighten discipline (perhaps because his own job is threatened), his once-friendly subordinates now react with indignation or even mockery: “Who is this sudden tyrant? Why should we listen to him?” Having never established authority, the leader’s attempt to assert it now breeds irritation rather than respect. His earlier kindness is forgotten; now he’s just seen as weak and flailing. This unfortunate tale plays out often. It echoes Machiavelli’s observation that people will turn against a leader if affection was the only tie and they see an opportunity or need to serve their own interestsetc.usf.edu. This “nice guy” leader erred by overvaluing being loved at the expense of being respected. Paradoxically, in trying to avoid ever being the bad guy, he set himself up to be disrespected – and ultimately disliked when he couldn’t fulfill the team’s goals. Had he from the start set firmer expectations and boundaries, he would have maintained both better performance and, likely, a steadier camaraderie born of respect.
Modern Leadership – Fear as Confidence and Gravitas: In contemporary terms, to “inspire fear” can simply mean to project confidence and gravitas. People “fear” (i.e., hesitate to cross or ignore) those who seem self-assured and unafraid to make tough decisions. Think of a colleague who always speaks calmly, assertively, and backs their statements with action. You might not say you fear them in the sense of dread, but you definitely treat their words with more weight; you wouldn’t casually dismiss their requests or miss a deadline they set, because you sense they mean what they say and will follow up. By contrast, a colleague who constantly apologizes, wavers, or tries too hard to please may inadvertently signal that they won’t enforce their will – and others unconsciously take them less seriously. So, cultivating a bit of “fear” can be as simple as being direct and unapologetic when you need something done. Speak and act as if you expect compliance, not as if you are begging a favor. This doesn’t mean barking orders; it means imbuing your communication with quiet authority. Over time, this aura becomes self-reinforcing: because you carry yourself as one whose directives matter, people treat you that way, which further solidifies your position.
The Role of Fairness and Justice: To avoid hatred, always pair firmness with fairness. If you must enforce a rule, explain (when possible) the reason. If you must deny a request or privilege, do so based on principle or policy that others recognize, not personal whim. For example, a parent might be strict about curfew, and the children might grouse that other parents are more lenient, but if the parent is consistent and has clearly explained the concern for safety or discipline, the children, though “afraid” of the consequence of breaking curfew, will not hate the parent; deep down they might even appreciate the structure. In the workplace, a boss who holds everyone (including themselves) to high standards, and who disciplines or reproves only when justified by misconduct or poor performance, will earn a reputation as tough-but-fair. Employees under such a boss might say, “I’m a little afraid of dropping the ball because I know she’ll call me out – but I respect her because she treats everyone equally and never punishes without cause.” In contrast, the boss who plays favorites or explodes unpredictably will be both feared and hated – a recipe for sabotage and high staff turnover. Justice tempers fear into respect. When people feel that your strictness serves a rational, greater purpose and that you won’t punish the innocent or the diligent, they actually find comfort in your leadership. They may even love you, in time, for the results and stability your approach delivers. Machiavelli noted this counterintuitive outcome: Cesare Borgia was considered cruel, but his “cruelty reconciled Romagna, unified it, and restored it to peace and loyalty”etc.usf.edu. In being feared, he actually proved more merciful to the populace at large than a merciful but ineffectual government that allowed chaos and bloodshed. In modern terms, your disciplined leadership might initially earn wary respect, but when it brings success and safety to your group, people feel grateful for it. They might not invite you to every casual lunch (perhaps seeing you as somewhat stern), but they’ll sleep better knowing you are at the helm.
Winston Wrigley, the Iron Lady, and Others: History and current events offer examples on both ends. Margaret Thatcher, Britain’s first female Prime Minister, was nicknamed “The Iron Lady” – she certainly inspired more fear than warmth in many of her colleagues. She was known to brook no nonsense and to drive her policies with steely resolve. Love her or hate her politics, it’s clear that allies and enemies alike respected her formidable will. She once quipped, “If you set out to be liked, you would be prepared to compromise on anything at any time, and you would achieve nothing.” This encapsulates Machiavellian wisdom: chasing popularity leads to impotence. Thatcher’s tenure changed the course of Britain, precisely because she did not mind being feared or disliked in the short term to push through what she believed was necessary. On the other hand, consider leaders who became widely hated: those who crossed the line into tyranny. An extreme example is any despotic dictator – history is rife with rulers who made themselves feared but also hated by, for instance, confiscating property, killing indiscriminately, or humiliating their people. Nearly all such regimes eventually crumble (often violently) because hatred undermines even the strongest fear. The masses, when hatred burns hot enough, will overcome their fear.
In everyday life, consider the micro-tyrant manager who abuses their power – shouting at employees, perhaps taking credit for others’ work while blaming subordinates for any failures, showing blatant unfairness. Employees under such a boss may outwardly comply out of fear for their jobs, but they will also quietly resent and might subvert the manager given the chance (through turnover, complaints to higher-ups, or lack of effort that causes the manager to fail). The lesson: fear alone is not a stable strategy; fear must be leavened with basic decency and justice. Aim to be the leader people respect first, perhaps fear a little, and ultimately trust. Do not be the leader people curse under their breath.
Applying the Principle – Earning Respect in Daily Life: How can you apply “better feared than loved” constructively? Start by identifying situations where you err too much on the side of seeking approval. Do you often bite your tongue on important issues to avoid conflict? Do you say “yes” to requests when you should say “no,” for fear of disappointing someone? Machiavelli would gently chide you here: by avoiding short-term conflict, you invite long-term disrespect. Instead, practice assertive honesty. If you lead a team, make your expectations crystal clear; don’t be afraid to enforce consequences for poor performance. If you are dealing with friends or family, set healthy boundaries – paradoxically, they will value you more for it. People might grumble when you decline a favor or hold them accountable, but they will, perhaps subconsciously, respect you for not being a doormat. Over time, that respect can even deepen into a more genuine form of love – one based on esteem, not exploitation.
Another practical tip: maintain a certain professional distance when in a position of authority. You can be friendly and kind, but there is wisdom in not trying to be best buddies with those you must lead or make decisions about. Familiarity, as the proverb goes, breeds contempt (or at least laxity). By keeping relationships warm yet formal (especially early on), you establish that you are not just another pal – you have a role to fulfill. This creates that subtle aura of authority. Think of a beloved teacher you had: likely they were not “one of the kids,” but an adult who genuinely cared for you yet maintained clear boundaries. You might have “feared” disappointing them or being scolded by them, but you also admired them. Strive for that balance in roles where you bear responsibility.
In negotiations or competitive situations, signal that you won’t be pushed around. It is often said in business that you get what you negotiate, not what you deserve. If you project only eagerness to please, the other side will sense they can squeeze you – and they will. However, if early in the negotiation you demonstrate firmness (e.g., politely declining an unacceptable offer and indicating you have alternatives, or that you won’t hesitate to walk away if needs aren’t met), you instill a degree of caution – they “fear” losing the deal or angering you into withdrawal. Suddenly, you are treated with more respect and likely will get closer to your terms. This works interpersonally as well: show that you stand up for yourself. Bullies or manipulators sniff out those desperate to be liked and prey on them, but they avoid those who calmly resist nonsense.
Perception Management – Appear Strong, Avoid Appearing Desperate: Machiavelli advised that appearances are crucial – one must appear merciful and just, but also strong enough that no one would dare take advantageen.m.wikisource.orgen.m.wikisource.org. As a modern application, ensure that your demeanor – your body language, tone of voice, and reactions – aligns with a person who is confident and in control. If someone criticizes you unfairly, do not immediately jump into defensive appeasement; instead, respond with measured firmness or factual correction, signaling that you are not shaken. If someone is slow to follow your direction, don’t rush to apologize for giving it; rather, follow up with a clear, calm inquiry and reiteration of the expectation. These little cues train others to treat you seriously. Never let others sense that you value their affection more than their respect. If a choice arises where you must sacrifice one, sacrifice being liked. For example, a friend group wants you to join an activity that violates your values or overstretches you – decline firmly (perhaps they’ll be miffed, but they will respect your integrity). Or if you are a supervisor and a well-liked employee is underperforming in a way that harms the team, you must address it despite fearing it could cool your camaraderie. By doing so, you affirm to the whole team that you place fairness and results above favoritism – a stance they will ultimately appreciate, even if it causes short-term friction with that individual.
The Payoff – Stability and Loyalty (Paradoxically): Here is the irony that I highlighted with the example of Hannibal and Scipio in The Prince. Hannibal’s army, diverse and far from home, stayed unified and loyal because they revered and feared him for his firm discipline (tempered by rewards for obedience)etc.usf.eduetc.usf.edu. By contrast, the mild Scipio’s troops rebelled, taking advantage of what they perceived as excessive leniencyetc.usf.edu. The modern leader who is a bit feared may actually experience greater loyalty than the one who is too loved (in a buddy-buddy sense). Why? Because the respected leader creates an environment of order and purpose where competent people thrive and take pride. The team of a respected leader feels secure – they know what to expect, they know mediocrity won’t be allowed to drag them down, and they often develop a fierce esprit de corps in part to earn the leader’s approval, which they value. Whereas the overly permissive leader’s realm often descends into politics, favoritism, or drift; high performers become frustrated and leave, slackers exploit the lack of consequences, and overall loyalty dissipates. So by being a tad feared (again, meaning firm and authoritative), you actually inspire a loyal following that loves the results of your leadership. Many a soldier loved a strict general in hindsight for keeping them alive and victorious. Many a student has later thanked a strict teacher for pushing them to excel. Many an employee, years later, realizes that a tough boss taught them more than a kind pushover ever could. Aim for that long-term admiration rather than short-term affection.
Conclusion – Respected, Not Reviled: In your pursuit of personal and professional empowerment, take to heart this Machiavellian maxim reinterpreted: “Make yourself respected above all – if possible, loved too, but never let the goal of being liked dilute your authority.” This is not a license to be cruel or to abandon empathy. It is a directive to find strength in your stance. The world is not an easy place; those who cling to cloying niceties often find themselves shocked at how quickly fair-weather friends vanish in a storm. But those who command respect will find allies stand by them even in hard times – for people trust the captain who keeps a steady hand on the rudder and isn’t afraid to make hard calls.
As you implement this in life, you will likely notice a shift: people may speak a bit more carefully to you, they meet your deadlines more often, they perhaps gossip less about you (since there’s a subtle fear of your disapproval). Yet in the same breath, they may start to value your presence more – seeking your approval on important matters, asking for your advice (because they trust you’ll give it straight), and defending you to others because your leadership gives them confidence. This is the sweet spot: respected by all, hated by none (save the incorrigibly envious), and perhaps quietly appreciated as both a strong and fair individual.
Remember: being feared in the Machiavellian sense is not about inspiring terror or anxiety; it’s about inspiring reverence, discipline, and urgency. It is about being someone whose disappointment is feared because it means something, someone whose wrath is rare but consequential. Cultivate that presence. And always ensure that any fear you instill is counterbalanced by justice, reason, and results that benefit those who follow you. Do this, and you shall find that being “feared rather than loved” is not cold advice at all – it is ultimately an act of care, for it forges teams and societies that function and protect themselves. As I concluded: a prince who is feared and not hated can weather many stormsetc.usf.edu. So too, the modern individual who is respected (with a hint of healthy fear) and not hated will navigate life’s tempests with their position secure and their influence intact.